Spirituality - Examination

You’re not supposed to talk about spirituality.  After all as a modern woman who has a firm basis in science, spirituality should play little to no part in your life. 

Actually that’s completely false. Many years ago, in my biology years, a professor told me that most people assumed biologists were atheists but in truth, some of the most spiritual people were biologists.  And after learning more and more about evolution, how incredibly lucky we are to be where we are, well…

I’m Christian by birth and for the most part, I’ve learned to like my religion.  Not necessarily agree with everything but then change does come from within so I see no reason to leave the group because of a few ideological differences.  But does going to Church and wearing a cross make me a spiritual person?

In the end, no it doesn’t.  Not if going is more an obligation then a choice.  Not if it’s not a conscious decision to respect it every day and not just Sunday.

The truth is that while I love my church, it’s not a real part of my life.  It’s not something I look forward to.  And it’s something that is much more obligation then choice.

And this feeling seeps into other aspects of my life.  There a feeling of lack of purpose and imbalance that hounds me every day.  I can take care of physical and mental, I’ve done it before.  But I’m not sure that I will really be in balance if I don’t examine this last crucial part of who I am.

Diet - Examination

The entry to this post should be a lot of laughter.  My diet has been pretty bad this year.  I’m not talking about ‘diet’ in terms of losing weight, though that’s somewhat related.  I’m talking about what I’m eating.

Well, most of it is good actually.  I cook our lunches and I’ve enjoyed making soups that are good for us as well as made from fresh ingredients.  I slack a bit on dinner but when I do cook, it’s just as good as lunch.

The real issue is what happens when I am not in direct control of food.  We go out to eat and I do okay sometimes or just go completely overboard.  The real issue is that I don’t enjoy what I’m eating most of the time.

For the most part, we go to the same restaurants and they’re not really high end.  Most of the time I go there, I feel like I’m eating out of obligation not enjoyment. 

I’m also still eating way too fast.  It’s very difficult to enjoy food if it’s gone before you get a feel for what it tastes like.  This is just part of the crowd I hang out with.  Sometimes I feel like its a race.  And the only thing I win at the end is an overly full stomach and dissatisfaction.

The final problem is that I’m always hungry.  Sometimes this passes but usually it’s because I grab whatever’s within range and eat it.  Most of the time this is junk food. 

I get enough fish but I’m also starting to worry that I’m not getting enough red meat.  In any case, what I need here is balance.

Leisure - Examination

Leisure doesn’t seem like it should be a category.  But the fact is that if all I cared about or concentrated on was work and my health, then life would be rather boring.

Leisure activities are the way I should relax.  More often then not they cause more stress then they should.  My likes and dislikes don’t change that often but I do go through cycles. And things that I once liked fall our of favor.

Gaming is one of those things that changed recently.  I’ve noticed that I don’t really enjoy the types of video games I once did.  I don’t know if the systems themselves changed or if I outgrew it but for whatever reason, I don’t get much pleasure from  some types of games any more.

Role-playing games are another problem.  I enjoy them, the live table top ones and the internet based ones.  But for whatever reason, the games I’m currently involved in don’t really peak my interest.

Writing was one of my greatest of joys but I haven’t been able to write anything I’m pleased with in ages.  I read a lot though some of the books I’ve read are horrible.  I don’t really know how I turn things around.

Knitting is great.  It’s fun to create things but I’m starting to get frustrated.  I’m bored with the easy projects but I don’t have the skills to do the tougher stuff.

So I don’t know whether I should try to fix the stuff that I’m not liking or try new stuff.  Either way, this problem is also directly related to the fact that I’m never home.

Fitness - Examination

Ah exercise.  Exercise is the solution to most of my problems.  It is, however, the one thing that I have the most trouble with.  It’s not that I dislike it or that I’m in pain while doing it.  It’s just… extremely difficult to actually get started.

This year, I tried a few new things.  Jogging was a pain until I got an inhaler and suddenly I could breath.  Karate is karate… mostly I feel like I’m not going anywhere with it.  And tennis and paddle are great especially with the gorgefest afterwards.

And the gym, oh the gym.  What a deal we got! $10 a month for a gym that has everything you could need.  Too bad we never go.

So, what’s the worse the could happen? I mean exercising is great but not doing it shouldn’t be the end of the world.  Well, it is if you had ACL reconstruction a decade plus back.  I went to the orthopedic doctor and diagnosed me with “Insufficient ACL”.  Essentially, it means my ACL is weakening.  The only solution is to improve the muscles around the knee.

But more important is the source of my shoulder pain.  It’s not the shoulder, its my neck which is supposed to curve but instead it’s ramrod straight.  “Cervical spasm” was the diagnosis for that. 

It’s not a surprise, I’m a stressed out techie. I spend my entire day sitting and glaring at a screen.  I come home and I sit on a couch glaring at screen.  Is it any surprise my physical fitness is so poor?

Mental Health - Examination

Every year has its ups and downs.  Last year was pretty down and the beginning of this year looked much brighter.  But in the end, things started to go down again.

I’m not sure it’s as simple a thing as seasonal/holiday blues.  This is something more pervasive, something that’s been building.  And there are a couple of sources of problems.

One is my self esteem.  It is much easier for me to think that I’m not doing a good job and that I will always fail at my attempts to do anything.  The truth is very much the opposite. I am doing good, not great but good.  I can improve and I won’t just fail. 

The lack of self esteem also lends itself to my thinking that everyone is upset with me or that something bad will happen to me.  It easier to play out bad incidents then assume good things will happen.

I also am not happy.  Examining it logically makes it seem almost silly.  I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a great group of friends.  I have a nice house and a job I enjoy.  So what is my issue?

Lack of direction possibly.  Without a goal or anything to aim for I sort of wander through life.  Lack of proper rest definitely doesn’t help. 

Stress, real or imagined, is something I also don’t deal with well.  And the lack of free time means I have less of a chance to deal with it.

Anxiety is somewhat less of an issue for me.  Medication keeps to worst of it at bay and the few incidents are mild.  Still, the medication is necessary and I would like to be off it sometime soon.

Also… I totally need to learn to concentrate on one thing at a time. Really…

Home Life - Examination

If there was one problem with my home life this year, it was definitely that I was not home enough.  The limited time I was home, I barely had a chance to relax let alone do chores or think about home improvement.

Home should have been a place to relax and wind down from the day.  More often then not it became a source of stress as clutter piled up and things were not getting done.

The one big accomplishment was de-cluttering the house.  For example, today when Martin asked for some tape, I found the box marked “Tape and Hardware” and what do you know! I found tape.

This came only as the result of the four days of cleaning we did on the house.  During the course of that cleaning, I had an allergic reaction to the dust that was so severe that I was given an inhaler.

Beyond that though, things only got done when I found a spare moment.  Newspapers and mail still tends to pile up.  Clothes tend to migrate to the floor instead of the drawers.  And the computer room is still a dumping ground. 

Most of all I feel bad for the cat who has to deal with this.  His litter gets cleaned much less then it should. 

Finally, the greenery in my house is growing and this makes me happy.  I really want to have more plants but I need to take better care of the ones I have.  Watering them is one of those “when I remember” type of events.

In summary, I need more time at home.  And I need to be able to relax, at home.  The dust situation needs to be controlled as I am obviously allergic.  The cat needs to be better taken care of. And finally the clutter still needs to go down.  We still have way too much stuff.

End of the Year Review

2008 was gone in the blink of an eye.  If you asked me what I accomplished, I could probably come up with a fairly impressive list.  If you asked me what was memorable… well then I’d give you a blank stare.

It’s unfair to label a year as a failure or success.  There are too many days, each of which have it’s ups and downs.  I think it’s only fair to assess where you right now at any given time.  And if it happens to be at the end of the year, which in this case it is, it’s also fair to use that assessment as a springboard for how to plan next year.

Rather then delete the two post that precede this, I want to keep them visible  as a reminder of where my mind has been for the past two months.  To put it simply, I am not happy.  I feel like I should be as I have success in love, life and work but I find myself increasingly disconnected with each passing day.  My mood is permanently in the annoyed/sad state which is simply unacceptable.

I have now 16 days until the New Year.  For the first week, I want to examine each aspect of my life and determine what was wrong.  Then in the second week, plan for how to make that better. 

Week 1: Examination

• Home Life - Tuesday, December 16
• Mental Health - Wednesday, December 17
• Fitness - Thursday, December 18
• Leisure - Friday, December 19
• Diet - Saturday, December 20
• Spirituality - Sunday, December 21
• Work - Monday, December 22

Week 2: Areas for Improvements

• Home Life – Tuesday, December 23
• Mental Health – Wednesday, December 24
• Fitness – Thursday, December 25
• Leisure – Friday, December 26
• Diet – Saturday, December 27
• Spirituality – Sunday, December 28
• Work – Monday, December 29

Week 3: Planning

• Tools and Tracking – Tuesday, December 30
• The month ahead – Wednesday, December 31

New Attempts

So as I try to find my little patch of happiness in this life, I’ve decided to try NaNoWriMo. Two years ago, I totally burned out in the attempt but it was more likely the end of a long, slow burn out. Since then my writing has been few and far between.

My goal with this new attempt is to simply write. No going back and rewriting, no thinking of the plot. Just write. Here are the badges:

Where I am, Where I want to be

Where I am:

Where I want to be: