So to do this, I have adapted the “Groundhog’s Day” which requires goal setting and reporting on each same digit month and day.  This should have started on 1/1 and then had the first milestone on 2/2 but better late then never.

By 4/4, I plan to meet the following goals.

• Write a non-whining, non-complaining post to Livejournal, at least twice a week.
• Write down all the food I eat and attempt to keep it below or at 1,600 calories
• Do karate, twice a week, so long as work does not conflict (but only work)
• Do some other exercise, twice a week, preferably something outside once it gets warm.
• Start reading the anxiety book.

Well… yes actually.  There was one.  That would be when you are walking past the professor you haven’t seen in a year and he says out of the blue ‘congratulations’.

Then there’s a pregnant pause.

Ha ha.

And then suddenly you realize exactly what he’s congratulating you for.  And you look down at your belly and well…

Look, this could be a post about how incredibly stupid it is to ever say something to a woman unless you know she’s actually pregnant (I don’t think most could laugh it off like me and then wait to cry).  And it’s not going to be about how I had to make a choice between laughing it off, stabbing my professor or stabbing everyone in the room and then eating a pint of ice cream…

No.  Let’s face it.  It’s done and either I resent the people who were witness to it and thus make the rest of the semester miserable or I try to move on.

And the overwhelming theme of last night was something like that. Move on.  But more importantly, this is my breaking point.

This is where it finally sinks in that I am not just pleasantly chubby or slightly overweight or hey the scale is just off today. No, I’ve officially reached the ‘false pregnancy’ stage of my weight gain.

And it sucks.  A lot.

So… look, there’s one thing that works and I know, Superbowl this weekend and all but Weight Watchers is the only thing that’s ever worked.  But it doesn’t if I dick around and don’t do the actual program.

Okay, so… what am I supposed to do now? It’s one thing to say “DO THE PROGRAM” and another to… well actually do it.

This is the problem with writing things right before I go to sleep.

1. I need to enjoy work.  That means that I need to remember why I loved doing what it is I do. 

2. I need to plan better for work.  I’m the ultimate procrastinator, most of my work is done at the last second and while it’s good quality I know with more time it would be great.

3. I need to think about where I want to go with my career.  Is this where I want to be or is there something more?

4. I need to achieve a better work/life balance.  Work is work and should remain there.  Life is life and should be mostly kept separate. 

5. I need more self esteem.  I need to stop second guessing myself.  I need to not assume what I’m doing is wrong but know that I’m doing the best that I can.

1. I need to read the Bible.  Not just because it is the basis for my religion and others but because it would be a good idea to know the source of what I’m arguing for or against.

2. I need to attend choice not out of obligation but because I want to.  I’m a periphery member and in some ways that’s okay.  In other ways, I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time.

3. I need to take time to meditate.  I need a chance to examine myself inside and out and meditation is one of the best ways to do that.

4. I need to understand my religion.  I started to do this and it was interesting and eye opening.  I don’t have to agree with what I read but I need to know what I’m attempting to practice.

5. I need to take time each day to get in touch with my spiritual side.  Of course, good luck in figuring out how to best do that.

1. I need to track everything.  This is not just for WW but because I am an idiot.  I think I know what I’m eating, I think I know when I’ve had enough.  But I don’t. I really don’t.

2. I need to eat better.  This is not just about tracking food but also about making sure that the stuff I do eat is good.  This is less processed food and more vegetables.

3. I need to plan out my meals well in advance.  My last second attempts to cook rarely go as well as they should. And if I have a plan, I know how to make better choices when I have to shift from plan.

4. I need to eat at home more.  I eat out way, way too much.  This is not only bad for my wallet but also for my stomach.

5. I need to keep trying new things.  How many years did I despise fish? How about not cooking with coconut milk? It’s important to keep my eyes.. err… taste buds open.

1. I need to evaluate my hobbies.  Am I enjoying them or just doing them for the sake of filling time?  And are their things I’ve stopped doing that I wish I was doing again?

2. I need to think about writing. I enjoy it but my muse is kind of… not here.  I have a journal set up for it and I need to start using it.

3. I need to write about my hobbies.  I need to remember why I do them.

Leisure is a tricky subject. I need to learn how to relax but I don’t know how.  In fact, I’m struggling what to really write here. I think that says volumes.

1. I need to do more cardio.  If I don’t get my heart rate up at least 30 minutes a day, I’m not improving my health and more so, I’m not going to help my mental state either.

2. I need to improve my core muscles.  My neck and shoulders are shot from the joys of being a programmer.  I need to concentrate on increasing my muscles.

3.  I need to not sit at my desk all day.  The best way to do this is with the pedometer.  I need to hit 10,000 steps a day.

4. I need to get back into yoga.  It is the only thing that improved my flexibility.  There are also the other benefits to mental health that comes with it.

5. I need to go to the gym.  It should be part of my daily regime.  To do that,  I need to make exercise a priority and schedule it.

1. The medication is not really doing much.  There’s some relief from panic attacks but my original reason for going back on it, relieving the depression, is not working.  So I need to wean myself off it.

2. I need a purpose in life.  I need to do what most people think is silly.  I need a mission statement.

3. I need to increase my exercise.  Weaning myself off the medication is only the first step.  I need a plan in place to help myself return to normal.

4. I need to cut back on things in order to decrease my stress.  This means learning how to say ‘no’.

5. I need to schedule ‘me’ time.  This time will be used to relax and put my mind back into balance.

1. I need to be home more.  Whether this means less social time or learning to say no to obligations, most of my home life problems are related to not being here enough.

2. I need a cleaning plan.  More then just having one, I need to follow it.  There are chores that should be done daily, weekly, monthly, etc.  I need to separate these and assign dates and task in Outlook to keep myself on top of it.

3. I need a kitty care plan.  He does well enough left alone but I know he could be doing better if I cared for him a bit more.  Not spoil him any more(I don’t think that’s possible) but make sure he’s got what he needs.

4. I need to green up my house.  That is the plants green, not the ecology green (though we do some of that already).

5. I have organized and cleaned, now I need to start purging stuff.  This includes books and DVDs.  Things that I kind of enjoyed but don’t really need anymore.  If I have to put these in storage first before determining if they can really go, so be it.

Work should be fun and for the most part it is.  I like the people that I work with and for now, the work is fairly interesting.  I think the real problem is that work isn’t just a fun way to pass nine hours.  It really does matter to me.

That’s not necessarily bad. I like my company, I want to do a good job. But the company doesn’t always show me that it likes me back.  So it’s easy to get frustrated and think that this is all worthless.

My real problem is I can’t concentrate because I don’t have a real plan. I try to think of things to do throughout the day but I get easily distracted.  I waste a lot of time and thus end up doing less then I could.

I also want to advance in my career but I have very little respect for me and my decisions.  This is something that I get better with with experience but at the same time, without a constant stream of feedback I tend to assume that I’m not a bad job.

However, even if I do enjoy working, I really need to work on a my work-life balance.  I can’t come home and still be thinking of work.  I need to separate my home from work.